Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

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The Hanging Tree – song cover

I tried covering The Hanging Tree tonight after hearing Jennifer Lawrence sing it in Mockingjay Part 1 when I went to go see the movie Friday night. I think it turned out okay.

(Image by la-chapeliere-folle on deviantart)

“Your Hands” by JJ Heller – Cover

I recorded this yesterday, but only got around to uploading it today. Cover of JJ Heller’s song, “Your Hands”

Lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
Trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Talk to you guys tomorrow!
-B

Default Song

I worked all day today but I found I was humming “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” from Fiddler on the Roof whenever I got into that subconscious frame of mind where you go to your “default song”, at least that’s what I call it! Apparently my subconscious was in a bit of a silly mood for some reason today, it’s a bit of an odd song to be singing at work! I’ve only seen the movie once about four or five years ago but I’m pretty sure that’s my favourite song. Either that or “Miracle of Miracles”…

Here’s “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” for those who haven’t seen the musical! (I think the whole thing is on youtube if you want to see it, but keep in mind it’s about three hours long!)

Well talk to you all tomorrow when I’m a little more awake and will have been home for more than an hour!
-Becky

Making Music

As a young kid I always wanted to play piano. I’m not sure why but I really loved piano, it’s probably to do with the fact that many of my close friends are (and were at a young age too) very good piano players.

In middle school my friends would sometimes teach me little ditties on the piano, the second half of duets, or the passing on of songs learned by ear, so I could play a few things but nothing impressive, but I figured, it was better than nothing!

In grade nine I convinced my parents to let me take guitar lessons. I borrowed a guitar from a family friend and took lessons through my school. I wasn’t much of a fan. A guitar could make nice music but it took a lot of work to get there and a lot of pain too. My fingers would hurt and hurt after each class. Mostly, I suppose, because I rarely practiced more than ten minutes a week. My teacher was also a bit odd. I remember only two things from him. Not how to read music and play notes, I’ve forgotten how to play notes on a guitar now, but I remember that he preferred ham over turkey at Thanksgiving because turkey makes you sleepy, and he strummed with his thumbnail because it was so long. That really grossed me out…

My first guitar recital was awful, painful. I was so nervous I couldn’t read the notes and forgot where they were on the guitar and I completely mauled “Greensleeves”. Needless to say I quit guitar after a year.

I then, finally, convinced my parents to let me take piano. I was fifteen years old at that point and starting in a grade one level of piano: how to read notes. Within three years I’d made it through level four. I loved piano but in that first year, the only chances I got to practice were at school or at church because we didn’t have a piano at home. As Christmas approached I begged for a keyboard so I could practice at home but my parents always said, No, we can’t afford one. You’ll just have to keep practicing after school if you want to take lessons. This begging and denial went on until very close to Christmas, when finally I gave up because it was just too close to Christmas to buy a piano.

But I still was hoping against hope and I remember that Christmas I felt the keenest disappointment I’ve ever felt when the last present was passed to a sibling and there was no chance of a piano left. Then my dad asked me to run downstairs to his office and get his Bible off his desk to read the Bible story. I wandered down and as I opened the door there was a large box in the room. As I looked at it it registered that there was a picture of a keyboard on the front and I screamed and burst into tears. I had gotten a piano. My family all rushed downstairs and began to laugh at the sight of me struggling to find my dad’s Bible on the desk through my tears as I still tried to do what I’d been asked to. That was the happiest I remember feeling, when there was that keen pang of disappointment, and then to have the item then given to me after all.

I still play my piano, my favourite music books are my Lord of the Ring’s soundtrack and Pride and Prejudice soundtrack.

But in in the summer after graduation one of the guys in my class said I could have the guitar he’d left at school unless he suddenly needed it again. I had recently found lots of youtube musicians who were self taught and decided I was going to teach myself! So I began the process of finding chords for songs, googling how to play the chords and slowly but surely teaching myself how to make music. I had only had the guitar about a month when he shot me a facebook message saying he needed his guitar back. I was sad to loose the guitar but made up my mind to buy one for my birthday and a month after I gave back the borrowed guitar I had bought a new one with my money and birthday money from my grandparents.

I’ve been fiddling and learning since then and today I recorded a cover of the song I mentioned yesterday, True Things, by JJ Heller, one of my favourite artists. So, here’s my cover!

 

Have a great day! Talk to you tomorrow!
– Becky

True Things – JJ Heller

I love J.J. Heller’s music. Lately I’ve been listening to True Things a lot and I think I’m going to redo my cover of it tomorrow and then I’ll link that in tomorrow’s blog. (I covered it about two and half years ago but it wasn’t very good, I had only just got the chords down. If you still want to see that version, it’s here)

 

“True Things” – JJ Heller

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write

I am, I am, I am who I am
I am who I am

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up

I’m gonna go listen to more of JJ’s music now, it’s all so good, I love how meaningful her lyrics are and how each song has its own story!
See you all tomorrow (after I’ve studied my eyes out!)
-Becky