Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

So, like, DAY RUINED

I realised today how easy it is for my day to be RUINED (imagine me dramatically throwing my hand to my forehead and “swooning” there, I’m doing itttttt… there, I just did it while typing those t’s)

(the sad thing is I’m not just saying that. I actually did it.)

POINT: the balance of my day stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of al… Oh, no, wait, that’s a Fellowship of the Ring quote… my bad!

But really, the edge of a knife point is true.

Today I worked 9-5. No biggy, normal thing. I’ve got a job, lots to be grateful for!

Well I woke up late and didn’t have time to both wash my hair and pack a lunch, so valuing professionalism over food (work does weird things to me) I left for work foodless. I was heading in early anyway however so I went to Tim Hortons until my shift started and got breakfast and hot chocolate and a bagel for lunch and life was sunshine, roses, and buttercups. There were even super cool vibrant sun dogs (whats a sun dog you ask? My friend, look at these lovely people’s pictures here and here! basically they’re little half rainbows on sunny, snowy days and they’re aweeesooooome)
So there was hot chocolate, croissants, and sun dogs. The wind was nasty, but life was good.

Even work was good! No mean customers, relatively friendly people, no big issues. GOOD LIFE.

Get off work, send a text to remind my ride (that I arranged the night before) only to find ride has gone across town because they kindaa forgot me and were also called in early for an important appointment.

WHOLE DAY IS HORRIBLE THE WORLD IS GOING TO CRAP MY LIFE IS #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS AND I’M PROBABLY GOING TO FREEZE AND DIE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc.

Unfortunately those were all thought thoughts.

As I was not expecting to be busing home in the cold, windy Winnipeg winter evening, I was not dressed appropriately for braving a cold, windy Winnipeg winter evening. No hat, no scarf, no boots. In fact, not even closed foot shoes (I had closed toe at least, it is January after all!) I was walking into the wind getting angry at “stupid” drivers in the parking lot and having my half grown out bangs blown into my eyes getting grouchier and grouchier. The parking lot was essentially a skating rink becuse that’s what happens when you have a week of -1C with windchill and then suddenly drop to -38C over the course of 24 hours. Ice, lots and lots of ice. Also, those shoes weren’t meant for walking. They weren’t even really made for working retail and standing on your feet for eight hours but I do it anywayyy.

So my life was going to crap and back but mostly to crap.

Sitting in the cold, but wind-sheltered bus stop waiting for the bus that wouldn’t come for twenty more minutes I decided that this really wasn’t a fantastic reason to ruin my whole generally perfectly fine day. It wasn’t my ride’s fault that they got called in early for their important appointment. It’s no one in particulars fault that we only have one vehicle. It’s my fault that I’m too cheap to call a cab and too proud to ask a friend. Essentially the only person I can reasonably blame is myself.

So I decided not to ruin my day and began sending my friends over-dramatic snapchats instead. As my fingers slowly froze and the touch screen began to pick up my touch less and less, I quietly chuckled to myself at their mocking responses like a freezing maniac in a rather overcrowded bus shelter, chronically sniffing because kleenex always remains forgotten inside their purse…
I’m sure that is a metaphor many people can relate to. Is that even a metaphor? I don’t know, don’t really care, I’m still thawing out five hours later…

So that point of this sob story is I’m trying to be more concious about not letting my days get ruined about little things. Just think of all those mocking snapchats I would have never recieved if I’d had a quick, warm car ride home!

-B

Lungs? Who needs ’em?

I have been ill for about a week now. I think I’m on the upward swing, but every time I say that I wake up feeling as though I’ve been run over by a bus sooo…

I leave for Romania in week. I’ll be gone a month. I’m getting increasingly nervous but am still excited. It’s going to be very out of my comfort zone and I’m kind of worried because there’s soooooo many unknowns everywhere but I will survive and I will grow and most importantly I will be a help and a blessing to those we’re working with and those we’re going to meet and yeah.

I’m going to go hack my lungs out now. Breathing’s overrated anyway…
-B

Mysterious Illness

Today I am ill. I was alright through class but it got worse through the day and I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon and evening, and not even attempting eating even though it was house-group potluck night because everything was tasting like sawdust and basically I’m sleeping until my body decides to behave and wakes itself back up.

Please give me lots of sympathy and chicken noodle soup and soda crackers and ginger ale. My inner drama queen thrives on it even though I may be dying of this mysterious illness… (read as “illness that’s probably just a simple flu”…)

-B

Intruder Alert!!

Roommate and I had a scare and a sort of intruder alert yesterday!! Still feeling slightly traumatized… ;D

-B

Best Walk

Tonight I came home late (Amy and I went to my grandparents’ for dinner which was really fun) and I still had to walk the dog. So at 10pm (total darkness in this area of the world) I found myself heading out the door to walk my manic dog. It was actually really fun.

I live in a good area of town so there’s little to no worries regarding creepers etc plus I have a dog with me which kinda just makes attackers less likely to attack anyway. The weather had cooled down to the world’s most ideal temperature, the perfect mix of the remains of the days’ warmth and the coolness of the night to come AND… the northern lights were out.

Why am I not out walking at 10pm every night?

-B

PS- No pictures of the northern lights because, well I was walking. Plus, they don’t show up nice on a cell phone camera unless you have plenty of time to stop, focus, and retake which a crazy dog won’t allow for…