Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

Exceeding my Expectations

Today was day two of acting class and I’m sold. Last week I was slightly concerned because we did some straight up improv with no context and I was feeling a little lost. I’ve never been very comfortable with improvisation, kind of a side effect of being a partial control-freak, so I didn’t end up participating much (along with about half the class though so that made me feel a bit better) but it had me kinda worried because I was thinking, if this is what the class is gonna be like I’m either gonna have to learn by just doing it or I’m gonna fail! I don’t learn well by just jumping in and doing…

Todays challenge seemed like it could be harder than last class. We were given “contentless scenes” at the end of last class and told to familiarize ourselves with them. One was a conversation that was vague enough that it could be applied to SOOOOO many situations and have a scene created around it. The other was literally in pairs taking turns counting from one to ten.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

About an hour into class we got in pairs and started with the counting scene. We had to create a scene that was happening and each number was in place of a line of dialogue in the scene we were creating. So for example when I walked into the “store” holding up a “gun” and said “One!” I was meaning “Put your hands up”. When my partner said “Two” and put up her hands she was saying “Okay!” and complying with my demands etc. (Spoiler, she shot me.) So that was a fun exercise.

The next one was very similar in that we had to create the scene, except this time we had fifteen minutes to create the scene and characters and memorize the lines we’d been given. There weren’t many, it was a fourteen line sketch, but still, fifteen minutes isn’t long either! We did it though, it was fun. Everyone was super creative and it was great seeing all the different ways people interpreted the “scenes” and the good actors that we have in the class!! I’m really looking forward to next week!

Leaving the house at 7am and not being home until 10:30pm is pretty rough, but I’m really enjoying this class so I think its gonna be worth it =D (Also, I had like two naps today and got a bunch of homework done soooooo…)

Talk to you tomorrow!
-B

A Pintrest Girl

So Saturday I finished work and was waiting for my ride and headed into a shoe store to see if I could find new work shoes (spoiler: didn’t.). The girl working there looks up to greet me and pauses and asks, “Are those called milkmaid braids?”. I kinda shrug and say “I guess so.” To which she replies, I’ve never actually seen someone wear their hair like that, I mean off of Pintrest.”

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I have leveled up: I am now A Pintrest Girl.

Now the day before, Friday, I was at Rona with my parents getting bored while they tried to choose a new light fixture for the kitchen so I went to look at paintchips for the heck of it. Paintchips are free and I remembered seeing on Pintrest once, a cool thing you could do with them for wedding decorating but I coulnd’t remember exactly what is was… possibly name place cards. So I chose my favourite six shade cards: a red, an orange, a yellow, a green, a blue, and a purple. When I showed them to my mum she just said, “Yup, those look like you.” So I suppose I chose well!

I was googling trying to find the thing I’d seen on pintrest and came across this picture

At the time I just scrolled past it, it wasn’t what I was looking for, but Saturerday I decided I wanted to try and make a version of it.

I didn’t look up instructions, I didn’t even look up the picture again until now, I just free styled it (not normal for me, I’m usually very meticulous about following ALL and ONLY directions), but now, here goes, how I made my own version of a paintchip mobile over Saturday and Sunday:

First of all, the supplies I used!

First of all, the supplies I used!

For this I used a ruler, pen, three wooden dowels (or one for every two paintchip colours), six paintchip cards (or as many as you like, just keep the number even), a circular object to trace (needs to fit between the white strips on the paintchips), glue stick, needle and thread, scissors, and (discovered later, thus not pictured) twine.

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I started by drawing in the white lines between each shade on the back. I like to always draw on the back of whatever I’m using because then if I don’t cut “in the lines” quite right its not as noticeable!

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Next I traced two circles per colour. I wanted to keep the whole colour name on one of the circles so I made sure to fit that in by keeping my first circle as tightly in the corner with the name as possible.

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And then just start cutting… (this does get a little tedious, maybe find some good music, a podcast, or a show/movie that you can have on without needing to watch too closely)

 

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“Pro”-tip: It might be useful to initial the non-named colours because once they’re cut out some shade start to look veeeeeeerry similar…

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Aaaaaaand yeah now you just kinda keep tracing and cutting…

 

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All done? Yay! Now it’s time to choose your colour pattern! (They’re in twos for a front and a back side)

 

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Maybe do a round or two to the right for the second circles?

Maybe a little more random?

Perhaps a little more random…?

I chose to simply reverse each colour shade for the back: front – dark-light, back – light-dark.

 

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Now, all your paired up little fronts and backs, glue them together!

 

Line them up as best as you can while gluing…

Line them up as best as you can while gluing…

…but obviously they won't be perfect. If you want you can trim the white off later.

…but obviously they won’t be perfect. If you want you can trim the white off later.

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All glued, hurrah! Almost time for the most dangerous part, needles!

 

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Alright, time for those dowels and the twine. (You need one dowel for every two paintchip colours so you have one colour on each end)

 

I expect a gluegun would do this just as well, if not better, but I don’t own one sooooooo…

First, tie two of the dowels together.

First, tie two of the dowels together.

Start figure-eight wrapping (but go a little thicker on one side, one wrap, two wraps, one, two)

Start figure-eight wrapping (but go a little thicker on one side, one wrap, two wraps, one, two)

Add in the third dowel and keep figure-eighting

Add in the third dowel and keep figure-eight wrapping

Once you feel it's securly wrapped knot it at the top, leaving enough string to hang it with.

Once you feel it’s securly wrapped knot it at the top, leaving enough string to hang it with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now, the dangerous part begins…

Thread your needle.

Thread your needle.

Shazzam, first try!

Shazzam, first try!

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Fun Fact” prior to this I would get very paranoid when using sewing needles because I was worried somehow I’d bump something or my hand would go wacko and I’d stab myself in the eye with the needle. Soooooo yup. Didn’t feel worried this time though so I guess I’m maturing!

And start sewing!

And now the dangerous part begins, start sewing! (be sure to leave extra at the top to attach to the dowel later!)

 

I went through the top of each chip twice to loop and secure it

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And then through the bottom to keep the chips from flying everywhere!

Keep threading until you have a strong of alllll your colours for that particular string...

When you’ve got all of them on, go twice through the bottom one and then knot it. Cut off any leftover thread.

Through a series of knots and wraps and knots attach your thread of chips to one of the dowel ends.

Through a series of knots and wraps and knots attach your thread of chips to one of the dowel ends.

And do it again.

And do it again.

And again...

And again…

Aaand again

Aaand again

And agaaaaiinnn

And agaaaaiinnn

Last one!

Last one!

LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT IT!

HANG YOUR CREATION WITH PRIDE AND JOY!

HANG YOUR CREATION WITH PRIDE AND JOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, now you’re done and you have a paintchip mobile. Congrats, that’s pretty cool.

-B