Twenty-Three

And so twenty-two is done. I am twenty-three.

Some people have asked me, what’s so bad about 23? Why the fuss? And I know, I know, I was drama queening a little bit, gotta make a fuss around birthdays you know! Adds to the fun! But 23 does feel different for some reason. Usually ages don’t feel like a big deal, at least I don’t find them a big deal, but this one felt different.

I always wanted to be twenty-two. I think I romanticized the age a bit. I was born on the twenty-second, 22 was my jersey number in basketball, twenty-two was my mum’s age when she got married. It seemed like it would be a big year, a special year! It was my champagne birthday after all! #22onthe22 (and I’ve realized I had no champagne all year, this is what happens when you don’t really like alcohol all that much…)

And it was a great year! I finally hit a rhythm and completed my second year of my degree instead of changing my degree again, a wonderful boyfriend came into the picture, I made new friends and had great times with old friends, there was a road trip to BC, adventures in Seattle… Twenty-two was a good year, I enjoyed it!

But see, seven year old Becky would disagree. Seven year old Becky would have graduated by now and would be a teacher. Seven year old Becky would have gotten married this year. Seven year old Becky would be very pleased that I actually have dyed my hair red. (six year old Becky would be quite pleased with that fact too…) So I’m sorry seven year old Becky, red hair is the only part of your plan that will ever come to pass because I’m no longer twenty-two, the goal age has passed. I cannot fulfill your dreams in the time you gave me, but no, no I won’t say sorry for that seven year old Becky, because sometimes some things need a bit more time. You see life isn’t all as quick and easy as dying your hair. Life is messy and doesn’t fit into molds very neatly. The future is unknown, it’s unplanned, and it’s very unlikely to be uneventful.

Now I get to be twenty-three.

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Disappointing Myself

Sometimes I disappoint myself.

Sometimes its big things but the things I find I feel worst about are the littler things, like yesterday. Yesterday I apologized for not making a better blog post and not planning ahead or having a back up plan etc etc etc and no offence, but none of that was for your guys’ sake. I was more apologizing to myself.

I had this plan you see, for a video. I was gonna make this video and it was gonna turn out great and I would upload it to youtube and then post it here too and bam, two birds, one stone! Instead of prepping though I spent my whole morning sleeping, my whole afternoon painting my nails and watching Community, half an hour in rushed “prepping”, and then most of my evening leading at youth group (which is a weekly thing and therefore no surprise at all). During that half hour of scrambled rushed prep I had this feeling, this is disorganized and its not going to work, you need to slow down, maybe put it off a day and actually plan it. But I ignored myself (as I do…) and continued frantically pulling photos out of old albums (long story, I’m not going to explain why).

After youth I got home and I was all disorganized because I had two similar and yet very different ideas and I couldn’t figure out if I could integrate them and yet neither were prepped enough to be full ideas, but I had this vague idea and by golly I was going to follow through!

So I filmed one. I didn’t like the way it turned out. It was disorganized and far too long. I filmed it again. It felt boring. I felt bored making it. I didn’t know what I was trying to say I didn’t have points outlined, I was simply looking at an ideal and hoping to instantly attain it.

Obviously the first idea was working so I moved onto the second. Blah. Bogus. Porkus shmorkus. Yuck. Not working.

annoyed stitch

 

 

 

 

But I edited it up anyway, maybe I could save it in the cutting room.

It still felt boring. I knew I was lying myself saying it was passable. It was the kind of video I, myself would watch ten seconds of and say, “meh, they were off their game with this one. Maybe next time…”

It was exporting.

I realized I’d missed a key, KEY point.

JGL smash

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I threw in the towel. I was mad at myself because I knew if I had prioritized my day just a little better I could have done it, and I could have done it well and yet I almost uploaded a version made half-heartedly simply because I was trying to meet a deadline I, myself had written in in pencil.

Sometimes I disappoint myself. I don’t try hard enough even when I’m feeling passionate about something and I end up giving a half-hearted version of what I could have been and it’s always obvious when your hearts not really in something. I need to learn to prioritize and when it’s appropriate, I need to learn when to say, It needs more work, we’ll push the deadline back and finish it later.

Hopefully that video will still come, but if it does, and when it does, it will be a video that I put enough work into and that I feel is worth putting up.

Talk to you all tomorrow!
-Becky