Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

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Dreaming Dreams…

Dreams fascinate me, they always have – the idea of our brains making up stories for us to live out as we’re unconscious, think of all the imagination that is unlocked! My problem is for some reason I very rarely remember my dreams. The first two dreams that I can remember were both very different:

The first, my siblings and I were at some kind of sea-side port with my mum. My mum went into a store and my siblings and I were taken onboard a ship (kidnapped? also, we’re talking traditional pirate ship here). That’s it. That’s all I remember.

The second wasn’t exactly a dream in the traditional sense. It was music, and it was a reoccurring nightmare. It would start slowly one note beating rhythmically and then it would ever so slowly speed up. It was agonizing. I would begin to feel nauseous and an overwhelming urge to scream. Just as I was sure I was about to go crazy, it would stop.

It seems a bit strange to me that with these two examples as my most prominently remembered dreams, I would continue to think about dreams in such a romanticized way. I would love to remember my dreams!

*Warning, things might get weird here, or hit triggers -proceed with caution. Also, remember this is a dream, not actually me…*

 

Last night I remembered my dream, and once again, it wasn’t very nice but I’ll clean it up for the retelling. I had arrived at a place and come across a person (I assume police) was investigating a murder, he’d found a dead body. (Nightmare? you suggest, but it wasn’t. Nightmares have a very different feel, this was all too cold) In the dream I was trying to help suggest what might have happened but I knew, deep inside, I was the murderer. In fact, like it had happened in a previous dream, I could remember murdering the person.

I won’t tell anymore than that, but the thing is, this “me” in the dream, was nothing like me! For one thing, she’d MURDERED someone! For another, she was far too calm around a murder scene – I’m a fainter who can’t stand any blood! And she was flat-out (and convincingly too) lying to this cop. I like to think I would never lie to a cop, I tend to be a pretty right-or-wrong-no-middle person and cheating the system is not okay with me. I can’t think of any good reason to murder, like legitimately, I can’t. There’s always a better way to deal with an issue (and trust me, I’m great at coming up with alternatives).

Mum jokingly asked me what kind of shows I’d been watching before I went to bed! Didn’t watch any last night but I’ll blame it on the piece of dark chocolate!**

All that to say, I’d love to remember my dreams but whenever I do they seem to be rather dark so maybe it’s better that I don’t. Also, I promise that neither I, nor my dream alter-ego will ever cause harm to anyone! (I don’t know if I could hurt someone on purpose… a, I’m weak. b, well, I just, I don’t think I could!)

So uhh, yeah… Sweet Dreams ;D

-B

 
**Actually, looking through my computer history it occurred to me what last night’s blog post was about, the murder of a Canadian soldier. So that may have started up my subconscious…

Furious-Nature Dream

Nothing really interesting happened today so I’ll tell you about my dream last night (I don’t remember my dreams often, this is exciting ;D)

So there was a forest fire moving towards my neighbourhood from a bit behind my house. You could see the smoke and the flames and it was coming closer and we were kinda gathering some stuff together and trying to decide if we were going to run or what was going on and then it started raining really heavily and a thunderstorm started. So the clouds were really dark and the smoke was all in the air as the flames continued to move towards the neighbourhood and suddenly the fire got sucked into a tornado that appeared! Then this fire tornado started coming towards us and we were like, oh man, do we run now? Like is it going to actually hit us? I remember I was looking out the windows trying to see where it was going and every time I did a ton of rain would hit the window on that spot so I could never see out properly. The tornado got closer and closer and it looked like it was going to miss our house so we stayed and waited and then the tornado went right through the middle of our next-door neighbour’s house and blew away back into the clouds (it looked like the dirty bunch of roots from an uprooted tree) The neighbours weren’t hurt thankfully so everything was okay, I mean besides the fact that their house had a neat (as in tidy, not as in, ooh neat!) gap right through the middle so everything was great!

Woke up this morning, nope it was all a dream. No fire-tornados cutting people’s house in half. Guess that’s a good thing!

-B

(but apparently fire tornados ARE a real thing!)

(click for source video)

Flirty Older Gentleman

Two older gentleman were flirting with me at work today. Oh the joys of retail…

But it’s okay, it wasn’t creepy flirting and it was like two hours apart not at the same time (THAT would be creepy!), it was more joking-flirting but it was funny.

So the first guy who was probably somewhere between my dad and my grandpa’s age is chatting while I run through his order at the checkout. So we’re kind chatting (Note: I’m way more comfortable chatting with older gentlemen rather than younger guys when they’re getting kinda flirty because with the vast majority of older gentleman it’s not threatening at all but as soon as a younger guy, like, makes eye contact with me I’m all ABORTABORT! because they could be, like, serious…) but anyway, this older guy is just being friendly and chatting and he asks me if I’m in school and I say, Ya university, just finished my first year. and he’s all Oh, what are you going into? and so I say, Well from here I’m hoping to go into film, maybe film production and and he wants to know what aspect, so directing or cinematography kind of area and he just thinks that’s great, that’s wonderful, that’s totally something people need to do, it’s good when people get to do work they enjoy, and he was an extra in a movie once! But he decided he could never be an actor because there’s way too much down time and waiting around but if I was the director that’s be great because I’d be in charge of that wait-time and people would be waiting for me, so you go for it young cahsier lady, chase your dreams! etc…

Okay maybe he didn’t do the whole chase your dreams thing but he was way more enthusiastic about my life choice than I expected and as he left he called back, Good luck!

So I thought, Well, wasn’t that nice! I finally am able to say what I’m going into and be genuinely happy about that choice and someone else is happy for me too! and then I moved on with my day.

Well a little while later I’m helping and older lady (older than my grandma, probably in her eighties or so) find some articles of clothing she came in looking for and once I’ve got her looked after this older gentleman around the same age approaches me (at the checkout he joined her so I’m assuming that had been his wife) and he immediately says, How much do you want for this store, I’ll buy it. What’ll you sell it to me fornow, obviously he’s joking around so I grin and say Well, it’s not really my call to make, but we make a lot in a year so it’ll be pretty expensive! and he’s all Well give me a price, how’s 1.6 million? I laughed and then he goes all flirty old man, try-and-fluster-the-younger-shop-girl which amused me and we get onto the topic of my schooling and so again we go through, just finished first year, had a false start, hoping to go into film etc etc. and he says Well, my name is Steven Spielberg so I can’t help you with that! and thanks to my living-on-the-internet habits I know what Steven Spielberg looks like so I didn’t pull a blonde moment and go OMG NO WAY!! I simply laughed and said, Well, that would be nice!!

So we chat about that for a bit and then he says, well, you’ll do good in that, don’t worry about being successful, wait for the right moment and don’t rush it! Don’t spoil it by going too quick! you’ll do good, you’d make a good director. and then he goes back to joking around and says Maybe one day you could hire me! If you could afford it…! So I said maybe one day if I get rich and successful I could afford to hire him for a film!

But it was kind of nice, being able to talk about what I want to do and actually feel interested in it rather than, well, it’s close enough… and then have random strangers encourage me in it. I mean sure they’re random strangers with nothing to base their encouragement on and jokingly flirting with me but still, it’s kinda nice. I’m excited for whats to come.

thumbs up party

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talk to you tomorrow!
-B

Daydreaming

Sometimes I think I have the most exciting life, and then sometimes I look back on a day and realize, I did nothing but work and watch recorded episodes of old tv shows all day… and the thing is, most of the time I’m okay with that, I’m excited with having gone through four or five episodes of a show and having worked an eight hour day. Then other days, I feel like I’m wasting my life but I don’t actually care enough to do something different, in fact, I can’t think of anything else to do.

I daydream of exciting adventures, going new places, meeting cool people and then I spend my day in my room with the curtains closed watching youtube videos. Sometimes I feel I don’t really live in the real world at all, I live in my mind. I am alive in the real world, but I live in my mind because that’s where the cool stuff happens. That’s where I can speak up without people shouting me down, that’s where I can go up and talk to someone cool and actually be capable of formatting a complete sentence, that’s where I am productive but still have time to do fun stuff and that’s… not real. Anywhere. Ever. For anyone…

Sometimes I feel it’s bad to become a recluse in my own mind but other days, it’s the only safe haven.

Daydreaming. Brings new adventures and kills potential ones at the same time.

Do I have to choose one or the other or can I find a way to balance both? I suppose we shall wait and see…

-B