Goodbye Life of a Spinster Aunt

I never imagined my wedding as a little girl.

My sister and I had bunkbeds as kids and it wasn’t rare that I’d fall asleep listening to her describe in painstaking detail every minute aspect of her shockingly purple wedding-to-be.

But that’s just it, I fell asleep. I wasn’t into wedding planning as an eight year old, even then I think they may have been some doubt because I don’t think I ever really thought I would get married. I just kind of assumed I’d grow too old and become a cat lady with no cats (cause I’m allergic) and just be a spinster aunt. I wasn’t even really disturbed by this reality, it just seemed like it was bound to be reality, it seemed natural.

I never really got particularly lonely as a child, I liked to read and play alone, and I was a little odd. We all know looking back we were a little odd but some people grow out of that. I don’t think I ever did, in fact I think I grew into it. I just kind of assumed that no one would want to put up with my weird and drama and pickiness and silly and I was okay with that, I didn’t think anyone had to. I’m a rather logical person; it seemed a rather logical conclusion.

And yet here I am, wedding planning. I’m still a little shocked sometimes that Ryan loves me, goodness, even likes me! I don’t even like me very much of the time! But then I wake up to a text, “Good morning beautiful” and I go to sleep to “I love you” and it’s this happy little surprise every time because somewhere inside I feel I can never expect it. I never expect to be loved and am often surprised to find that I’m liked. I am still not very good at being in touch with my emotions but I’m trying and the fact that someone could be so in touch with theirs as to consciously choose to spend some liking me, am I really worth it?

And please don’t think I say this so people can assure me that I am (in fact assurance has yet to have much affect and I’m 23) I simply say it because what I never expected, and assumed would never happen, has, and I picked out “The” white dress today and we’re picking venues and choosing colours and building up our wedding party squad and sometimes it’s like I’m in someone else’s dream because how could it possibly actually be mine? Where are the cats? Where is the spinster life? What is this love and acceptance and friendship and future?

It’s mine.

Advertisements

Alone

I don’t like being alone.

Now don’t get confused, I’m an introvert, yes, I get energized from being alone, but I don’t like being alone.

Let me explain further. I am totally cool with being alone in my room in a house full of people and I am aware that should I need human contact I can open my door and get it. I can sit on the couch and look out the window while my mum reads a book on the other couch because that’s being alone, there’s no conversation or interaction, but it’s not alone.

I don’t like being alone. When I’m totally by myself I feel like I’m starting to collapse in on myself and yet I feel no inclination to seek human contact if my “inner circle” is gone. I turn into a black hole and begin falling in and tearing myself apart until I can do nothing.

When I’m in this kind of a mood there’s only a very few people who I would want to be in contact with, my “inner circle”. People who I am comfortable being with but can still be by myself with. Mostly it’s immediate family and a couple very, very close friends. It’s like they’re my safety blanket, if I retreat too far into my mind I can snap into that connection and pull myself back into the world… I guess it’s kind of hard to explain.

I’m feeling lonely and there’s no number of youtube videos or tv episodes that can pull me back.

-B