Goodbye Life of a Spinster Aunt

I never imagined my wedding as a little girl.

My sister and I had bunkbeds as kids and it wasn’t rare that I’d fall asleep listening to her describe in painstaking detail every minute aspect of her shockingly purple wedding-to-be.

But that’s just it, I fell asleep. I wasn’t into wedding planning as an eight year old, even then I think they may have been some doubt because I don’t think I ever really thought I would get married. I just kind of assumed I’d grow too old and become a cat lady with no cats (cause I’m allergic) and just be a spinster aunt. I wasn’t even really disturbed by this reality, it just seemed like it was bound to be reality, it seemed natural.

I never really got particularly lonely as a child, I liked to read and play alone, and I was a little odd. We all know looking back we were a little odd but some people grow out of that. I don’t think I ever did, in fact I think I grew into it. I just kind of assumed that no one would want to put up with my weird and drama and pickiness and silly and I was okay with that, I didn’t think anyone had to. I’m a rather logical person; it seemed a rather logical conclusion.

And yet here I am, wedding planning. I’m still a little shocked sometimes that Ryan loves me, goodness, even likes me! I don’t even like me very much of the time! But then I wake up to a text, “Good morning beautiful” and I go to sleep to “I love you” and it’s this happy little surprise every time because somewhere inside I feel I can never expect it. I never expect to be loved and am often surprised to find that I’m liked. I am still not very good at being in touch with my emotions but I’m trying and the fact that someone could be so in touch with theirs as to consciously choose to spend some liking me, am I really worth it?

And please don’t think I say this so people can assure me that I am (in fact assurance has yet to have much affect and I’m 23) I simply say it because what I never expected, and assumed would never happen, has, and I picked out “The” white dress today and we’re picking venues and choosing colours and building up our wedding party squad and sometimes it’s like I’m in someone else’s dream because how could it possibly actually be mine? Where are the cats? Where is the spinster life? What is this love and acceptance and friendship and future?

It’s mine.

The Love/Hate Relationship of Photography

I have a love/hate relationship with taking photographs. I love photography and wish I knew more about how to make my camera function. I love looking at photographs and admiring the amazing shots people are able to capture through their lens. I love taking pictures and taking pictures that I like, that capture moments and tell stories, however, I have come to realize, that by taking pictures, I am not seeing things.

When I take my camera everywhere I see the world through a viewfinder. I don’t make memories I make photographs, copies of things I never truly saw. When I was younger I always had my camera with me. I have three full Facebook albums of photos all taken at one youth group bowling night back in 2008. I saw my world through a viewfinder and I missed so much. I have been able to capture memories for friend who are in the photos, they can look at them and remember what happened. I can only hear a story and reply, I think I remember seeing a picture of that! It’s not the same.

I love photography and I want to grow better at it, but I also know that its necessary to balance. See the world, experience things. Don’t just take copies of other people’s experiences, make your own too.

Flights, Layover, and Delays

Today was the first day of 2014. I spent most of it in airports which I think is an interesting way to start the year: going somewhere, or to be more exact, going home… There’s so many ways I could read into this =D

We were at the airport on time, were ahead of the line through security, found our gate in the one-gate-airport no problem and then we sat and waited. and then the plane was delayed (but only by like ten minutes) because, well, the plane wasn’t there yet…

no plane...

no plane…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once on the plane I went back to reading Allegiant (I made it through almost exactly half on the flights to BC so I wanted to finished it through the flights on the way back).

IMG_3451

We had a three hour layover through Calgary so we landed and went on a quest for food. Amy waylayed our mission in a gift shop buying a gift consisting of (G-rated quote) “crap” (seriously we found, like, the strangest things in the shop…) and then the food mission continued. It was completed (for me) in the food court where I bought some (kind of crappy) pizza and a salad (with unedible croutons) but Amy couldn’t decide what she wanted. In the end we went to the in-airport pub and she ordered a poutine and a beer.

Poutine candid

Poutine candid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The poutine ended up being a HUGE plate of poutine, like a teenage boy couldn’t have eaten the whole thing on his own (okay, well maybe he could, if he was really hungry) but due to the HUGENESS I got to help eat it. I ate all the fries that didn’t touch the nasty ol’ cheese curds. I actually don’t like poutine. I do like fries…
So I picked through for the cheeseless fries sipping from my fastfood cup of root beer feeling slightly out of place in an airport sports bar… and then we migrated to our gate area to settle down and watch Chuck because I’m smart and packed season one in my carryon luggage!

Our flight ended up being delayed about forty minutes which meant I went on a search for junk food. I returned with a mini bag of skittles, airport prices hit you hard man…

I finished Allegiant on the flight home, we arrived at the airport and mum and dad weren’t even there yet because the roads were so awful because Winnipeg’s weather is the same temperature as Mars and there’s snow piles nearing/towering above my shoulder already (and we still have a solid three to four months to go! but hey, I’m not bitter about it all… *twitch*) When she found out mum and dad weren’t there yet, Amy, who was amusingly flustered at no one being there to meet us (I briefly tried to convince her we were at the wrong airport) said (jokingly), and I quote, “My life is ruined!”

Twas amusing… Mum and Dad arrived. Our luggage arrived. we drove home to our igloo through the ice terrain in our sledge pulled by mighty reindeer and were met at the door by our frantically excited tame house-wolf.

Then I finally watched the Doctor Who Christmas episode and wept (all though in general I didn’t enjoy the episode at all, Matt did such a great job, Matt’s great, I love Matt, I cried because now Matt’s gone)
I was excited about Peter Capaldi as the Doctor, I thought it was time for a more visibly “mature” (read old) Doctor, but I didn’t like his few line and now I’m not sure I’ll like his doctor… Why doesn’t he know how to fly his own TARDIS? She’s his, his baby, she’s been with him through time and space since he ran away centuries upon centuries ago, she’s his one friend who’s always been there and now he’s asking Clara “how to fly this thing“? Not pleased Moffat… (I pretty much 100% agree with this article my dad found so if you care to read more not-pleased-with-Moffat type stuff, dig in)

Talk to you tomorrow!
-B

Books and Comfy Chairs

“What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee?”
― Anthony Trollope

Now I don’t like coffee, but there’s certainly nothing more comfortable than cuddling up with a blanket in a big chair and reading a good book. Today I cosied into the lazy-boy chair in our “sitting room” and read for three hours without stopping. I honestly can’t remember the last time I did that. When I was a kid I read all the time, like really all the time, I used to get in trouble at school for reading under my desk during lessons, but since I got more into internet-type stuff and found some tv shows I really like, I haven’t really made time to read much. I always keep a book in my bag for bus rides or breaks at work but that’s not much reading. I love reading, I’m going to have to make more time for it.

“At one magical instant in your early childhood, the page of a book—that string of confused, alien ciphers—shivered into meaning. Words spoke to you, gave up their secrets; at that moment, whole universes opened. You became, irrevocably, a reader.”
— Alberto Manguel

I love reading because I can be reading about wonderful adventures or tragedies or real life situations that I’ll probably never experience outside of the pages of a good book. In a book I can delve into a world I’ll never know and forget my own for a little while. I can be an invisible observer to the story, an overlooked side character, or the main character themself. As a twelve year old I read Lord of the Ring’s for the first time and immediately sat down and for months afterwards worked on what I now know as a “fan-fiction” story that I imagined myself a part of. It was almost 32,000 words. I was twelve, I was twelve and I wrote a story that remains unfinished at 32,000 words. Where did that ability to imagine go?!?

I’ve sometimes been concerned by my ability to imagine myself into stories, I’ve thought it was unusual, odd, overly-obsessive… But I think that as long as I don’t let it overtake me and as long as I remain mainly firmly rooted in the “real world” it’s fine to run away and have adventures now and then, and if I’m going for a career in film production (story-telling) or acting (living out stories) then I can count it as practice right? 😉

“Anyone who says they only have one life to live must not know how to read a book.”
Author Unknown

-B

I Am Me.

My sister is graduating high school this week. It’s making me feel kind of old. I’ve been out of high school two years and I’ve got pretty much nothing to show for it but experience.

But you know, I think it’s worth it. I travelled without my parents and kind of settled into myself a bit. I went to a public university after having been in a private school for twelve years. I mean, sure I’ve now dropped out of that program but I now know what to expect from being in a larger building, more people, a wider variety of people, different classes, many more opinions and views. I feel like I was thrown abruptly into the world upon graduation and through the last two years I’ve finally found my feet a bit.

I started my first proper jobs. I got asked out by a coworker. Twice. I said no to going out with a coworker. Twice. (I’ve discovered that stereotypically coworkers who ask me out are kind of weird-creepyish people). I’ve learned how to get into good work habits and strengthen my work ethic (which I like to think has always been quite good). I’ve always stayed on good terms with my bosses. I’ve asked for a promotion. I got promoted.

I’ve made friends with people outside of my immediate circle of acquaintances. I’ve kept vlogging. I’ve found interests that suit me much better than what I’d always thought I enjoyed. New television shows, movies, books, hair colours. (Well, not hair colours. I always knew I wanted red hair. As an elementary student I would doodle myself with red hair, so I’ve kind of fulfilled a life-long dream by dying it I suppose). I’m preparing to travel to LA in a month to attend a conference and hang out with people I’ve never technically “met” but feel like I know. (Don’t worry, much less creepy and potential stalker-serial killer than it sounds!)

I no longer having a problem with being a nerd or a geek. I love being a nerd/geek/quirky-person/weirdo. People attach those names to me and I don’t see it as an insult, it’s not, it’s freeing, I don’t have to worry about whatever it is that makes you feel like you have to be constrained to “like” things in the “socially acceptable” way. I can full on nerd-out about things, I can be unapologetically enthusiastic about what I enjoy. To use a quote from one of my favourite authors, John Green:


I was talking to my mum because we were prepping for a family-celebration-BBQ thing for my sisters grad and I was saying I never got a party like this for my grad, and I never got a manicure like my sister’s getting and my mum said, well you had the options to but you said no. You weren’t into that stuff then. And I realized, yeah only two years ago I was the girl who wore box shits, Converse, no make-up and felt the need to prove myself to the world, often by holding it at an arms length. By wearing my fandom t-shirts I wasn’t wearing something I liked, I was trying to make a louder statement, to get noticed while saying I didn’t care. I was saying, Hey, here I am. This is me, this t-shirt, this represents me!

I don’t have to do that anymore. In this year, like I said, I’ve found my feet a bit and I’ve grown in self-confidence. I no longer feel the need to prove myself to the world. I’m me and me will end up being whoever I want me to be. I can wear a box shirt, no make-up, and Converse one day, and the next day curl my hair, put on a dress, do my makeup all pretty and go about in heels and both of those are equally “me”. I can wear my fandom shirts because I like them, who cares if someone notices, who cares if someone thinks I’m weird. I think it’s a cool looking top and most importantly:


Not any random person who walked by understood that reference, I, I understood that reference and I liked the shirt. I’m no longer trying to impress to feel accepted. I am accepted by those who are important to me, and if someone doesn’t like me, well then in the end, that’s their problem.

I’ve come to the point where I feel like I can make my own decisions in my life, with guidance and advice from “the trusted council of advisors” of course! But in the end I feel like I will make my own decision and not let anyone make it for me.

I am me and me is whoever God wants me to be and I make me be and I will be no one if I don’t make myself.

Talk to you tomorrow!
-B

Working at the Carwash

Every year since 2006 Winnipeg churches have joined together in a community outreach project called Love Winnipeg. We kick it off with a giant church service together called One Heart (I got to dress up to hang out with kids for the hour and a half door were open before the service started, see the post here) and then we spend the next two weeks focusing on community outreach.

I’m one of the leaders for the Youth Group at my church and today the Jr High’s (grade 7-9’s) had a Free Car Wash! It was super fun, the kids loved it. We started off with half an hour prep, making signs, filling buckets, and setting up in general. The kids were organized into groups: sign holders, window squeegee-ers, car washers, and washer fluid fill-upers, and then we went at it!

To get the kids some practice one of the other leaders went through with his car first and after that we had 2-7 cars in line for the next hour and a half! I was mostly supervising, making sure the sign holders weren’t going on the road and getting run over, keeping soap/water buckets full, and making sure cars entered in the right spot so mostly behind-the-scenes stuff but that’s the kind of thing I like! In bigger events I like to be a) in costume or b) working behind the scenes. In youth I’m often helping get games set up, or prepping a snack, or taking attendance. I’m much less likely to be speaking, or leading a game and that’s not because I can’t do those things, if necessary I’m fully capable of it, I just find more enjoyment in running things from the back ground, noticing the oversights people may have made that could cause a snag and fixing them before they happen.

So anyway, I wasn’t the person physically washing the cars today, I was the person making sure the water was clean and the squeegees were rinsed afterwards, etc

We brought in the sign-holders at 9pm because we wanted time to run through the last few cars and then “debrief” a bit with the kids but even with the signs down, cars kept coming in! The last car finished at 9:40 and we ended up actually having to turn away someone around that time because we had already taken in the sponges and squeegees! Winnipegers see “Free” and they’re there!

The weather was also beautiful! Because we’ve had such a late spring there were zero mosquitoes, like a normal year we would have been eaten alive but this evening was just LOVERLY!

We had one lady come in who had actually been on her way to get her car washed and saw our sign and came in! So that was great, she got a free car wash for driving down our street! So all-in-all the kids had a great time and I hope we blessed some people in our city. We may not have brought anyone to the Lord tonight, but hopefully we made some people’s days better and planted seeds in peoples hearts, so to speak, that will grow one day and bring them to Christ!

Sorry, couldn’t resist… Talk to you tomorrow!
– B