Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

Space, Science, and Captain Blonde Beard

Starting off a movie with an emergency take off and presumed dead character is always a good way to go. Gets the adrenaline pumping and the audience engaged. So starts The Martian starring Matt Damon and it continues for two and a half hours of space, science, and the dangers of living alone, well, as the only inhabitant of a foreign planet with a limited source of supplies.

The movie does a great job of keeping the audiences attention as it jumps back and forth from NASA back on Earth as they discover Mark Watney (Matt Damon’s character) is still alive and figure out ways to communicate with him, back to Mars where Watney is completely and utterly alone. To keep the Martian scenes from becoming boring and drawn out, much of them is spent with Watney making logs into cameras around the compound. This gives a more personal feel to the movie as he is in a sense breaking the fourth wall for much of it and staring straight into the screen as he confides the dangers, fears, and discoveries he has while trapped on Mars.

It is a well done movie, drawing to a close with a high suspense rescue attempt. Overall a very good movie, would recommend to a friend.

Paris Terror Attack

Today Paris experienced the deadliest violence it has since World War II. Over at least six different sites attacks have killed at least 100 people. The reason for these attacks of terror is yet unknown with the targets seemingly being young people at a rock concert and regular citizens. Some suspect Jihadist groups may have been involved.

A state of emergency has been declared in France with the army being called out and the borders closed. Airports are still functioning but with heightened levels of security.

This attack follows the January Charlie Hebdo shootings in which twenty people were killed however any connection between the two is unproven.

Parisians are using the hashtag #porteouverte (open door) on twitter to open their homes to those who are stranded on the streets due to the attacks. Many users are posting their addresses online, allowing people to take shelter as these events continue to unfold.

Our thoughts and prayers are with France during this time of tragedy.

Why Vlog?

I close the door to my bedroom, set up my tripod and take out my camera. I sit at the foot of my bed and focus it on my face. The lighting needs adjusting, I turn on a desk lamp kept in a random corner of the room for this exact purpose. Ahh much better. I begin to tune my guitar. I am a video blogger.

Video blogging is a movement that came into play with the upstart of Youtube and its sharp rise in popularity around early 2007. In theory it is a “blog post” spoken to a camera and publicly posted on a video sharing website where it is then watched by, well, whoever wants to watch it.

Video blogging is an outlet for people much in the same way as traditional blogging, however video blogging has the added aspect of audio and film creativity. It opens up the option to create short films, music videos, song covers, tutorials, and so much more. People sit in their bedrooms, talking to cameras, not worrying if the world hears or cares to watch, because this is their expression, their outlet, their fun, their life.

#22on22

Today was my twenty-second birthday.

Twenty-second birthdays have become a bit of a phenomenon thanks to Taylor Swift’s popular song, 22 (x). It becomes an excuse to send links for this song to friends, to play it on repeat all day, to randomly break into song and sing it in public places, in a way one might say it brings people together.

When you say you’re turning twenty-two, often the first thing to pop into someone’s mind it that it’s your “Taylor Swift” birthday. For example, this morning one of my friends wished me a happy birthday like this,

My birthday is now directly related to Taylor Swift and between this person (be it friend, acquaintance, or stranger) and me there now exists a bond in the form of this song. We now have a conversation topic to break the ice, or a common passion to be excited about.

My birthday this year had a little extra T-Swizzle in it because you see, I was born on the 22nd. I turned 22 on the 22nd. I may have started using my own hashtag that some friends were then using when wishing me a happy birthday… #22on22 At one point are you celebrating your own birthday too much, you might ask? Well another question for another post…

One Year Later

Exactly a year ago I was in an internship and was, with my fellow interns, flying off to Romania for a month. I was scared, and kinda excited but mostly scared, and was not enjoying being on the hottest (as in excruciatingly warm) flight I’ve ever been on in my life. (You can read my blog post from that first day here)

Today my fellow interns and I went out for Shawarma to reminisce about the good times we had and how we all wish we were going back with this years set of interns…

It’s not like we were catching up with each other really, we’re kind of inseperable so we know the ins and outs of each others lives sometimes better than our own, but its fun to formally hang out sometimes ;D

So we went out to Shawarma Khan for shawarma

A handy description of shwarma off the wall at Shwarma Kham

A handy description of shwarma off the wall at Shwarma Kham

Now why shawarma? Well we had shawarma in Romania, it was like a once a week thing at least… In fact I had shawarma for the first time in Romania! I felt like I should be initiated into the Avengers immediately.

I had Shawarma for the first time today – Romanian shawarma! Am I an Avenger now?

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After shawarma we had a need for dessert and wandered over to Cake-ology and had some sweets =D

A subtle I'm-slightly-ashamed-but-am-still-gonna-take-a-picture-for-my-blog photo in the tiny bakery of tasty things!

A subtle I’m-slightly-ashamed-but-am-still-gonna-take-a-picture-for-my-blog photo in the tiny bakery of tasty things!

After our dessert need was well and truely, deliciously satisfied we wandered into The Haberdashery which is a hat shop owned by a friend and Des bought some gloves as she was slowly freezing to death via frozen fingers (Winnipeg, I’m telling ya, it’s a thing.)

After a quick stop in at Toad Hall (and English toy shop) Beth and Jon then had to head off to respective prior engagements and Des and I slowly made our way through a used bookshop (it’s an addiction, I may need to seek help) and then down to the movie theatre where we proceeded to watch Kingsman. While it was probably one of the most innapriopriate movies I’ve ever seen and contained more violence and swearing than any movie I’ve ever seen, it was also one of the funniest and may or may not ahve made it onto my favourites list. We were very nearly falling out of our chairs laughing. It’s fantastic, but I didn’t recommend it to you.

Manners Maketh Man.

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A wonderful use of a reading week day!

-B

Agent?

Sometimes you just need to have a night to watch Agent Carter and paint your nails red. Sometimes that movie night happens when you should studying for an upcoming midterm.

Sometimes.

Like not all the time.

That may have happened tonight.

That happened tonight.

My nails are a really nice shade of red.

-B