Learning to Grow

Two things today:

I’m learning to pray, “Not what I think Lord, but what you know.”

And I’m taking encouragement from Psalm 32:8, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”

-B

Advertisements

So, like, DAY RUINED

I realised today how easy it is for my day to be RUINED (imagine me dramatically throwing my hand to my forehead and “swooning” there, I’m doing itttttt… there, I just did it while typing those t’s)

(the sad thing is I’m not just saying that. I actually did it.)

POINT: the balance of my day stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of al… Oh, no, wait, that’s a Fellowship of the Ring quote… my bad!

But really, the edge of a knife point is true.

Today I worked 9-5. No biggy, normal thing. I’ve got a job, lots to be grateful for!

Well I woke up late and didn’t have time to both wash my hair and pack a lunch, so valuing professionalism over food (work does weird things to me) I left for work foodless. I was heading in early anyway however so I went to Tim Hortons until my shift started and got breakfast and hot chocolate and a bagel for lunch and life was sunshine, roses, and buttercups. There were even super cool vibrant sun dogs (whats a sun dog you ask? My friend, look at these lovely people’s pictures here and here! basically they’re little half rainbows on sunny, snowy days and they’re aweeesooooome)
So there was hot chocolate, croissants, and sun dogs. The wind was nasty, but life was good.

Even work was good! No mean customers, relatively friendly people, no big issues. GOOD LIFE.

Get off work, send a text to remind my ride (that I arranged the night before) only to find ride has gone across town because they kindaa forgot me and were also called in early for an important appointment.

WHOLE DAY IS HORRIBLE THE WORLD IS GOING TO CRAP MY LIFE IS #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS AND I’M PROBABLY GOING TO FREEZE AND DIE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc.

Unfortunately those were all thought thoughts.

As I was not expecting to be busing home in the cold, windy Winnipeg winter evening, I was not dressed appropriately for braving a cold, windy Winnipeg winter evening. No hat, no scarf, no boots. In fact, not even closed foot shoes (I had closed toe at least, it is January after all!) I was walking into the wind getting angry at “stupid” drivers in the parking lot and having my half grown out bangs blown into my eyes getting grouchier and grouchier. The parking lot was essentially a skating rink becuse that’s what happens when you have a week of -1C with windchill and then suddenly drop to -38C over the course of 24 hours. Ice, lots and lots of ice. Also, those shoes weren’t meant for walking. They weren’t even really made for working retail and standing on your feet for eight hours but I do it anywayyy.

So my life was going to crap and back but mostly to crap.

Sitting in the cold, but wind-sheltered bus stop waiting for the bus that wouldn’t come for twenty more minutes I decided that this really wasn’t a fantastic reason to ruin my whole generally perfectly fine day. It wasn’t my ride’s fault that they got called in early for their important appointment. It’s no one in particulars fault that we only have one vehicle. It’s my fault that I’m too cheap to call a cab and too proud to ask a friend. Essentially the only person I can reasonably blame is myself.

So I decided not to ruin my day and began sending my friends over-dramatic snapchats instead. As my fingers slowly froze and the touch screen began to pick up my touch less and less, I quietly chuckled to myself at their mocking responses like a freezing maniac in a rather overcrowded bus shelter, chronically sniffing because kleenex always remains forgotten inside their purse…
I’m sure that is a metaphor many people can relate to. Is that even a metaphor? I don’t know, don’t really care, I’m still thawing out five hours later…

So that point of this sob story is I’m trying to be more concious about not letting my days get ruined about little things. Just think of all those mocking snapchats I would have never recieved if I’d had a quick, warm car ride home!

-B

Flights, Layover, and Delays

Today was the first day of 2014. I spent most of it in airports which I think is an interesting way to start the year: going somewhere, or to be more exact, going home… There’s so many ways I could read into this =D

We were at the airport on time, were ahead of the line through security, found our gate in the one-gate-airport no problem and then we sat and waited. and then the plane was delayed (but only by like ten minutes) because, well, the plane wasn’t there yet…

no plane...

no plane…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once on the plane I went back to reading Allegiant (I made it through almost exactly half on the flights to BC so I wanted to finished it through the flights on the way back).

IMG_3451

We had a three hour layover through Calgary so we landed and went on a quest for food. Amy waylayed our mission in a gift shop buying a gift consisting of (G-rated quote) “crap” (seriously we found, like, the strangest things in the shop…) and then the food mission continued. It was completed (for me) in the food court where I bought some (kind of crappy) pizza and a salad (with unedible croutons) but Amy couldn’t decide what she wanted. In the end we went to the in-airport pub and she ordered a poutine and a beer.

Poutine candid

Poutine candid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The poutine ended up being a HUGE plate of poutine, like a teenage boy couldn’t have eaten the whole thing on his own (okay, well maybe he could, if he was really hungry) but due to the HUGENESS I got to help eat it. I ate all the fries that didn’t touch the nasty ol’ cheese curds. I actually don’t like poutine. I do like fries…
So I picked through for the cheeseless fries sipping from my fastfood cup of root beer feeling slightly out of place in an airport sports bar… and then we migrated to our gate area to settle down and watch Chuck because I’m smart and packed season one in my carryon luggage!

Our flight ended up being delayed about forty minutes which meant I went on a search for junk food. I returned with a mini bag of skittles, airport prices hit you hard man…

I finished Allegiant on the flight home, we arrived at the airport and mum and dad weren’t even there yet because the roads were so awful because Winnipeg’s weather is the same temperature as Mars and there’s snow piles nearing/towering above my shoulder already (and we still have a solid three to four months to go! but hey, I’m not bitter about it all… *twitch*) When she found out mum and dad weren’t there yet, Amy, who was amusingly flustered at no one being there to meet us (I briefly tried to convince her we were at the wrong airport) said (jokingly), and I quote, “My life is ruined!”

Twas amusing… Mum and Dad arrived. Our luggage arrived. we drove home to our igloo through the ice terrain in our sledge pulled by mighty reindeer and were met at the door by our frantically excited tame house-wolf.

Then I finally watched the Doctor Who Christmas episode and wept (all though in general I didn’t enjoy the episode at all, Matt did such a great job, Matt’s great, I love Matt, I cried because now Matt’s gone)
I was excited about Peter Capaldi as the Doctor, I thought it was time for a more visibly “mature” (read old) Doctor, but I didn’t like his few line and now I’m not sure I’ll like his doctor… Why doesn’t he know how to fly his own TARDIS? She’s his, his baby, she’s been with him through time and space since he ran away centuries upon centuries ago, she’s his one friend who’s always been there and now he’s asking Clara “how to fly this thing“? Not pleased Moffat… (I pretty much 100% agree with this article my dad found so if you care to read more not-pleased-with-Moffat type stuff, dig in)

Talk to you tomorrow!
-B

We’re here!

I have moved in now.

At this point it still kind of just feels like a sleepover with a friend. At someone else’s house entirely… but I’m sure I’ll get used to it! I’m really excited! I couple we’re staying with- did I mention I was moving out into the house of one of the couples in my church with a friend for the Bible school/internship program I’m doing? I am-have, I have.

Anyway the couple we’re staying with I’ve known all my life. In fact she was my grade two teacher at school! They’re super sweet and they’ve got everything set up so nicely for my friend and me, I hope we haven’t put them to too much trouble!

But yes, I’ve moved out. Sort of. I’ll be here Monday to Friday and home Saturday/Sunday so lots of suitcase shuffling will be done! I’m really looking forward to everything though! Classes start tomorrow! Busing, bright and early (*cries a little* *sets alarm* *cries some more*)

Oh yeah, and I bought a towel today. I now own my very own towel. I think this qualifies me to be an actual grown-up now.

-B

Me: Depression

I’ve probably said stuff like this before but earlier this year when I decided wasn’t going back to the university program I was in, I began to feel really excited for my future, like I just knew good stuff was gonna happen and it was coming and that’s a big deal.

Why is that a big deal? Well in the latter half of grade twelve and until after the new year after graduation I went through a period of what I can only call depression. I’m loathe to call it that because I know the connotations and the mentalities often paired with mental illness. I also know what I suffered was very light depression compared to what many people have to go through and for that I am grateful, but when you’re in it, when you’re in it, it does not feel “light”.

I don’t know what caused me to spiral down into where I landed part way through grade twelve but I suspect it was the fact that this was a last year and big changes were coming and I had no clue, literally no clue what I wanted to do. I am a person who craves structure (and with that often comes a need for control) and not knowing what was going to happen FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE freaked me out and as I went through the year still not knowing what I was doing and having nothing I could dig up peak my interest, I allowed myself to shut down.

Shut down? Well, often when emotions intimate me, I’ve allowed my mind to get into the habit of shutting them down. I push the problem out of the way and ignore it. This creates indifference (can’t see it, don’t need to bother with it. It’s no longer there), and then if it’s something important, when the deadline arrives, this method of coping results in a panic and if it’s bad enough, a full-fledged anxiety attack. I’ve only ever had three anxiety attacks that I can think of and I NEVER want to go through that again. The only way I can explain it is something explodes. The emotions that have been shut down and blocked out suddenly… pop. and everything explodes. Sound is extreme, light is extreme, people can’t talk-shouldn’t talk, there’s just sound and crying and panic and breathing, breathing is really loud and hard to do, and nothing makes sense and my mind stops registering anything and the worst thing you can EVER do if this is happening is ask me “what’s wrong?” I don’t know, that’s part of the problem, I just don’t know what’s going on. Something has become the last drop in the emotional pool to knock down the wall and all the hidden emotions are coming out.

That was a sidenote, sorry. (But seriously, the best thing you can do for someone having an anxiety attack, at least one like that, is just sit down and wait it out. Be there. Don’t talk, just be there. When they’re ready, they’ll talk. Don’t ask, don’t probe. Wait, and then listen. Once they’re done, think before you speak, if you are a person of faith, then you pray what God wants you to say then and there, because if that person just opened up to you that way they’re being extremely vulnerable and they’re are going to remember what you say and if you begin telling them what they’re feeling is wrong in any way, you’ve lost and they’re going to shut back down and think twice before opening up to you again. Be there and CARE)

Oh look, another sidenote. On a lighter note, depression… erm, uhh, nevermind.
So that year was hard because I shut down emotions and told next to no one what I was going through because I really didn’t understand it myself so how could I explain it to them and ask them to help me? To me I simply felt hopeless and indifferent all the freakin time and let me tell you, that is a crap way to live your life.
(In hindsight, just tell an adult you trust, they will be able to help. I mean I don’t know that from experience but I can imagine that’s a lot easier then suffering through it alone. At least then someone else knows and you don’t have to fake happy-and-normal with everyone)

I think what also allowed me to get so far down the spiral was that I stopped doing daily devotions and I stopped really pressing into God. I’ve heard a preacher say you can never stand still in your relationship with God. You’re either going forwards or you’re going back. I know I wasn’t going forwards in my relationship with God, so that means I spent a whole year backsliding and having pity parties. That’s a bad state of mind to be in. I don’t remember what happened but one day it was like something clicked and I realized “I don’t have to live like this…” and so I stopped.

I think that’s what makes many people doubt what I went through was real, the fact that it finished so fast, the fact that I could literally “snap” out of it. I am not saying, “get a grip, you can just snap out of it” to people. It was a mindset change. Like I said, something clicked. I don’t know what it was but in that moment it was like a little bit of hope came back. It didn’t have to be like this. This wasn’t all there was to life.

I never suffered suicidal thoughts but one thing I often prayed was “God, if this is life, it’s not worth it.” I’m not sure if I was accusing him, or just letting him know that’s how I felt, but I still agree with the statement, if that was life it wasn’t worth it. Thankfully, that’s not life.

The last year has been tough. I’m still getting back to where I was with God before it all happened and I’ve still never talked to anyone expect a couple friends (actually, maybe only one…) in this much detail about that year, so sometimes I think I’m trying to do it too much on my own but I still have a very hard time opening up to people (seriously, posting this is tough but telling it to someone in person… I mean I don’t want to say impossible, but…). I’m relearning how to read my Bible. I’m trying to get that foundation because I want it so bad. I want there to be a God who wants to have a relationship with me, I want to know him, I want there to be hope, I want there to be salvation. I need it. I don’t just want it, I NEED it, because life without that, it isn’t worth it. It just feels empty and hollow and bleak. Very bleak…

So I’ve been excited and hopeful for what’s to come for the first time in a long time and a few months ago it was decided that my church was going to restart and revamp it’s post-secondary Bible school from when I was a kid and as soon as I heard that I knew, yes, that was what my next year was going to be. It was going to happen if it happened based on my desperate prayers alone and I was the only student. And it’s happening guys, it’s happening and I’m really excited. I’m going to be getting theological training, and mentorship, and church ministry practicum, and I’m going to learn so much and grow so much in my relationship with God and I can’t wait! I know it’s going to be frightening and I’m going to have to learn to open up to people and I’m going to have to let go of a lot of control problems but I’m, well not ready, but I’m waiting in anticipation and I’m probably as ready as I’ll ever be!

I’m excited. I’m really excited that I AM excited. This is new. This is a new beginning, and it’s going to be good.

-Becky.

Some of my "textbooks" for school this year

Some of my “textbooks” for school this year

YOWWZA

Today I tried waxing my legs for the first time. HOKEY FUUUUURICK! SHITALKINGMUSHROOMS! motherfathersisterbrotherYOWWZA!!!! WHYYYYYY do people do that!!

In other news, I’m going to be away for a week for a friends’ wedding out of town and I do not know if I shall have internet soooo, I will write posts, but they may not arrive up here until I get back home next week.

I shall miss you all terribly.
-B