Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.

 

These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)

 

I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.

-B

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Lungs? Who needs ’em?

I have been ill for about a week now. I think I’m on the upward swing, but every time I say that I wake up feeling as though I’ve been run over by a bus sooo…

I leave for Romania in week. I’ll be gone a month. I’m getting increasingly nervous but am still excited. It’s going to be very out of my comfort zone and I’m kind of worried because there’s soooooo many unknowns everywhere but I will survive and I will grow and most importantly I will be a help and a blessing to those we’re working with and those we’re going to meet and yeah.

I’m going to go hack my lungs out now. Breathing’s overrated anyway…
-B

Mysterious Illness

Today I am ill. I was alright through class but it got worse through the day and I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon and evening, and not even attempting eating even though it was house-group potluck night because everything was tasting like sawdust and basically I’m sleeping until my body decides to behave and wakes itself back up.

Please give me lots of sympathy and chicken noodle soup and soda crackers and ginger ale. My inner drama queen thrives on it even though I may be dying of this mysterious illness… (read as “illness that’s probably just a simple flu”…)

-B

Busybusybusy = My New Life

Today was busybusybusy as I have a feeling my life will be from now on! Desi and I slept through our alarm (which I’m still not fully convinced ever went off…) and woke up twenty minutes before we had to leave to catch the bus soooooo that was fun.

Then we had theology class all morning. Learned about the death of Christ and certain significant points in that story and where they tie in to other things or have certain symbolic things attached. Quite interesting except it seems like today all of us were just so out of it. Our teacher seemed to notice and decided to let us go half an hour early. He actually said, “You guys seem a bit brain dead, I think I’ll just leave it there for today.” We tried. Sort of. Mostly. I took notes still…!

This afternoon we didn’t have booked for study though, we have trip prep because we’re going to one of the other churches we’re connected to in our province in two weeks so we’ve started prep for that. It sounds like we’re going to be running the children’s ministry program for the morning so we were planning the morning out for that, finding songs. I got to make a craft template for a lantern they’re going to make which was super fun!! =D

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Lantern templates and test runs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight I went to the hospital to see my mum with my dad and my sister (who arrived safely home very late on Monday after flight delays leaving Heathrow airport and a missed connection in Toronto). Mum was feeling much better today, stiffness is almost completely gone and sore throat and fever are gone. There appears to be some kind of heart infection but they’re still working out what exactly it is and how to treat it. She’s on some meds for it now so hopefully those will help. We’re continuing to pray for her, sleeping has been a bit hard while she’s been in hospital, and we’re praying that she will get completely healed so that God can blow the doctor’s away with a miraculous healing! 😉 (they’re already a bit stumped that all the soreness and the fever has gone away without any treatment. She’s just been on painkillers til the meds for the heart infection today) I’m also praying that she’ll be able to come home soon. She’s been there since Sunday and we want her healed/treated/healthy and out of there ASAP!

Thanks again to those praying!
Talk to you tomorrow!
-B