Failure, the Monster of Fear

I want to design things.

I keep seeing videos or projects or posters or fonts that make me want to make stuff. I listen to songs that make me want to make things and everything is just beautiful and so well done and I want to be able to do that too, but I can’t.

I hate the learning process. Let me unpack that a bit… I like learning new things, but I like to learn them and be able to be good at them right away. Maybe I like to discover things. Discovering things usually means they’re ready to go, like discovering a talent for something! Learning things means having to not be very good at them at first. It means being able to see something I want to be able to make so perfectly in my minds eye, and not being able to recreate it.

Learning is frustrating, it’s hard, it’s discouraging, it’s frightening. What if what I desire to create is something I will never achieve? What if no matter how hard I work and study and learn, I’ll never develop the ability to truly do to the extent I desire?

This week I feel like I’ve seen so many things that spark that desire to create, but I haven’t created a thing because I’m scared to try and sure I’ll fail. People tell me otherwise and they say I’ll be great, or they say, that’s part of learning! but that doesn’t actually lessen the sting of failure. I’ve built up failure as a monster of a fear in my mind’s eye, I might only be looking at the shadow, failure could be a mouse in front of a candle’s flame, but that shadow on the wall is big and scary and I’m not sure I can face it just yet. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to face it.


These are some things that I loved the look and sound and feel of lately:

Tessa’s music video for her song “Dream”

Dodie’s song “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (heads up, contains swear words)

Episode 1 of Emily’s webseries “Cold” (everything Emily touches is so beautifully made, her Letters to July series are amazing)


I turn 23 at the end of this week. It sounds too grown up.



The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

* This post may contain some spoilers for the story plot of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

“The theatre, the theatre, what’s happened to the theatre?” So asks Danny Kaye in the 1954 film, White Christmas. Thankfully today I do not feel inclined to repeat his question, as The Manitoba Theatre Centre’s adaption of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance was spot on.

Paul Essiembre and David Coomber in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Photo by Dylan Hewlett (x)

The entire play took place on one set, Hallie Jackson’s saloon which I thought was an interesting choice. Having once set gave them the opportunity to put more detail into it, it could be more permanent obviously and larger, allowing for a functioning second floor etc. Smaller sets often need to be moved quickly during scene changes or intermission which does cause them to lose detail. They are less “real”.

One set, however, meant that every scene took place inside the saloon. This meant there were a number of scenes that were not explicitly shown, but rather implied or talked about after the fact. I do not think that having one set took away from the play in anyway. Some scenes had to move indoors but it still flowed well and the set was very well done.

The actors were experienced and talented, David W. Keeley and Paul Essiembre especially stood out from the rest of the cast. Keeley, who played gunslinger Burt Barricune, made you feel for Burt as he eventually admitted to his feelings for Hallie and came to realize they were not to be. Essiembre on the other hand made your skin crawl with his calm almost gentlemanly personna as the villain, Liberty Valance. He didn’t allow anyone to get a rise out of him but he had a confident, threatening presence; you instinctively knew he was not to be trifled with.

The play was unlike any other I have seen, up to this point I have mostly been to see either adaptions of classic stories or comedies so a Western was quite a different story. It was intense, but it was very good and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

If you’d like a three minute summary of the story, here is the song Liberty Valance by Gene Pitney which tells the tale!

Royalty-Free Birthday!

Everybody has a birthday. As humans we like to celebrate the progress of life and in many cultures that is done with a celebration on the anniversary of one’s birth. This celebration is frequently accompanied by a familiar song, the Happy Birthday Song, but until today that song was actually copyrighted and a fee had to be paid to use it publicly.

Warner/Chappell, the owners of the song since 1988 are estimated to have made $2 million a year on copyright fees and the next step in this case is the fight for Warner/Chappell to return some of their collected royalty fees now that the copyright has been ruled invalid.

So next time you have a birthday, don’t worry about closing the windows and drawing the blinds before singing “Happy Birthday”, it can now be a royalty-free birthday!

Memory Ties

Emotional connection to music fascinates me. I sometimes like to go through my iTunes library looking at songs I haven’t heard in a while and finding myself back to where I last was when I heard them.

For example, Tessa Violet’s album Maybe Trapped Mostly Troubled takes me back to driving through Bulgaria on the way to Turkey from Romania. We were on a winding mountain road that we were beginning to wonder might be the wrong road or “not a short-cut” but it was beautiful, such glorious scenery…
The song “Maybe Someday” by The Runaway State takes me back to my trip to England with my grandparents. I was sitting on my bed in my little room in our cottage up north, looking out the window past my balcony to the fields and hills beyond as I listened to the song for the first time and sheep bleated outside in the field next door.

Today I refound an artist that I haven’t listened to since I was in a very different headspace. I wasn’t exactly depressed but I certainly wasn’t happy and the music wasn’t sad, but it was moody. And I’m torn now, because I still enjoy the music, but I don’t want to go back to the headspace I was last in when listening to it and I don’t know if I can bring the music to my current headspace or if it will bring me back to the old one.
I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m feeling nostalgic for days I hated.


The Hanging Tree – song cover

I tried covering The Hanging Tree tonight after hearing Jennifer Lawrence sing it in Mockingjay Part 1 when I went to go see the movie Friday night. I think it turned out okay.

(Image by la-chapeliere-folle on deviantart)

Bracelets and Chord Sheets

Today us interns went to a church in our “family” of churches that’s in Steinbach (about a 40minute drive out of town). SO this morning we drove over their and participated in their morning service. We got to share some encouragement with them and bring a bit of awareness to the internship program for anyone interested in coming next year and then after the service we got to stay have have a pizza lunch with some of the pastors and elders and their kids so that was fun!

Once back in the city I was picked up by my parents to head over to my uncle and aunts for a family “tea” (can you tell that it’s the British side of the family? ;D) and my little cousins taught me how to make bracelets they were making. They were pretty neat and appear to be all the rage right now, even my six year old cousin was sitting there with the ten/eleven year olds making them and he was having a blast =D (he was keeping count of how many he made, last count I heard was nine)















(I realized afterwards that the blue and purple one looks like Sully from Monsters Inc. That makes me happy ;D)

Back at home after the family gathering I finally managed to find the chords for some of the songs by one of my current favourite bands “Us” (“the Duo”) so I recorded a quick cover of one of them: I Will Wait for You

Sooooo yeah. Today was more productive than the rest of the weekend! =D
Talk to you tomorrow!