And I’ll Still be Fine

I read a quote today that said, “Confidence is not ‘they will like me’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.” and it struck me.

I think of myself as a fairly confident person and would adamantly deny doing something to make someone else like me, but I still crave affirmation. I’ve discovered there’s a underlying self doubt that creeps in if I find myself overlooked or put aside. Earlier this year I made a video in which I posed the question, “Does the speed of a reply show how much someone cares?“. The answer was, of course, no.

I don’t do things hoping people will like me more, changing who I am for them. What I do struggle with is knowing that I’ll be fine if they don’t. If I don’t change and then they don’t like me, I can often see it as me being somehow wrong in who I am. I’ve gotten to the point where that doesn’t make me change, but it still hurts.

Some people I meet in life will like me, we’ll be friends, we’ll be more. Some people I meet in life may not like me, and I’ll still be fine if they don’t.

Finding Rory

Last week my pet fish Rory passed his one year anniversary. I’d say birthday, but I don’t actually know how old he is… He is just a fish.

My past experiences with fish did not go well.

Example A:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Example B:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rory is now the longest living pet fish I’ve ever had.

It was a traumatizing experience, my first fish. Coming home to find them belly up… Our family had never had pets before so not only were these my first pets, but I had bought the fish, the tank, everything with my own money – they were really properly mine. And they died.

I remember weeping (I was much too old for this to be an acceptable reaction, please bear with me) while walking home from the dentist (see, it had been a rough day) knowing that by the time I got home, my fish would probably be dead. That must have been when Buff died, as walking home in March in Winnipeg would have left the tears frozen to my face and my sorrow blown away by the stinging north wind.

For five years my fish tank sat in the basement. Unused, collecting dust. A testament to my inability to keep another living creature alive. It taunted me.

October 1, 2014 I decided I was ready. It was time to get a new fish.

I decided against goldfish, three was enough. Betta fish, I’m told, are incredibly hard to kill so I have hope for Rory to have a long and happyish future. He’s still swimming around, flaring at his reflection in the tank… Fish are kind of stupid.

Happy One Year Anniversary Rory, it’s been great! Here’s to many more!

https://instagram.com/p/0CHCirNeKF/?taken-by=rlpdean

For the Love of Wedding Photos

Wedding photos, dear me, wedding photos.

I wouldn’t say I’m particularly romantic and I don’t get impatient for my turn until I see wedding photos. They come and sneak up on you when you least expect it and suddenly I want to be dressing up for the party.

I love weddings. A friend told me the other day that no one who’s been in a wedding loves weddings. I’ve been in weddings and I love it all; the first looks, the last minute details, the rush and adrenaline, the decorations, the speeches, the photos. Gosh, I love wedding photos.

Everyone just looks so happy. You don’t see wedding photos with a gloomy-looking wedding party unless they’re being silly or ironic. It’s a party to celebrate a this couple and start them off on their new life with a bang and photos somehow capture those happy moments and just make me so happy inside.

Alright, so maybe I am a romantic.